Satire

Teen-Safe IPhone

Say hello to the past

By Sophie Kendall

Apple has heard your recent complaints about the new models of phones over the past two years. So we are excited to release a phone that we believe will revolutionize technology and make way for an all new way for us to take your money. We are presenting you with a teenager-safe phone. It’s a phone that makes it easy to keep track of your child and protect them from the dangers of internet memes, dabbing, and other things that you don't really understand. We provide a typical iphone that looks and feels exactly like our IPhone 4 model, except it restricts social media apps, calling, texting, and has the level of website security of a low budget high school. Now you might be wondering, “How do I make my child talk to me instead of staring at their phone all the time?” Well not to worry! We considered that and came up with a helpful solution. We have decided to also restrict all games and apps, except for apple music, google classroom, news, home, camera, photos, bing, and edmodo. But you are probably thinking, “Well isn’t apple music too creative for my child?” or “I don't want my kid listening to weird music that will lead them to believe they have a future in the art world!” And as Apple we like to keep our paying customers’ best interests in mind. So, we have decided to take out the headphone jack. And no, we are not just reusing our previous idea because we have also decided to take it a step further than that. We are also taking out the speaker. However, we have also noticed that many teenages are distracted merely by the bright colorful iphone screen. So, we have taken out the color and brightness of the screen. The new teenager-safe iphone will be monochrome and have only one brightness setting: the current lowest one. We hope our new adjustments will create a safer world for teens and allow parents to have complete control of their children’s lives.

-Your Friends at Apple

Sophie Kendall
SATIREicecream